Now that Scarlett Johansson is happily married to Van Wilder, you’d expect that babies were next on the agenda.

That’s unless you don’t care. Which you probably shouldn’t do, in fairness. After all, it’s not like you know Scarlett Johansson or Van Wilder, and you’d have to be a complete weirdo to like either of them enough to care about their potential children. Is that what you are? A weirdo? Is it? Want to know about Scarlett Johansson’s unborn babies, do you? You make us sick. Sick.

As it happens, Scarlett Johansson doesn’t want any babies yet. Are you happy now? Jesus.

After Konnie Huq, Joan Sims and Mark Owen from Take That, Scarlett Johansson is one of the most desirable women on the planet, and that’s something she’s painfully aware of.

Scarlett Johansson is so desirable that one-hit wonders want to kiss her with tongues. She’s so desirable that grown men will figuratively elbow each other in the face to get their hands on droplets of her disease-ridden mucus. She’s so desirable that she’s not even surprised when minor films stars who she’s been going out with for months propose to her.

Really, she’s not. That’s the one big revelation to come from an interview with Scarlett Johansson in this month’s Harper’s Bazaar. That and the not wanting babies yet thing. Are you still reading this? You are? Urgh, creepy. Anyway, here’s the quote:

“I wasn’t surprised. You say you can’t believe it, but of course you really can. Anyone being presented with a diamond ring, you just squeal with delight… I’m not pregnant nor will I be any time soon.”

That’s it. That’s literally the most thrilling thing that Scarlett Johansson said in the entire interview. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is that Scarlett got married to Ryan Reynolds, it wasn’t a surprise to her when she did and she’s not having any children in the imminent future.

But why doesn’t Scarlett Johansson want to get pregnant any time soon? It’s certainly not because her vagina’s all clogged up with hepatitis, that’s for sure. So here, for no other reason that this is apparently newsworthy and we’ve got space to fill, are our top five reasons why Scarlett Johansson doesn’t want children…

1 - Scarlett Johansson doesn’t love Ryan Reynolds

2 - Scarlett Johansson doesn’t love Ryan Reynolds

3 - Scarlett Johansson doesn’t love Ryan Reynolds

4 - Scarlett Johansson doesn’t love Ryan Reynolds

1 - Scarlett Johansson is a man

We would have also accepted ‘Scarlett Johansson is still quite young’, ‘Scarlett Johansson doesn’t feel that her unsettled moviestar lifestyle would provide a baby with the right amount of security’ and ‘Scarlett Johansson doesn’t want to jeopardise her movie career by getting pregnant’. That last one, by the way, just shows how dedicated Scarlett Johansson is to the craft of making films that nobody particularly likes.

Are you still reading this? You’ve properly given us the creeps now.

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There are two major disappointments about the Beverly Hills 90210 spin-off - the first one is that it’s a sack of balls.

The second is that there’s no Tori Spelling. We’d assumed that Tori Spelling was a shoo-in to appear on 90210, what with it being the show she’s most associated with and her being such a rubbish actor that she’d be grateful of the work and all. But it wasn’t to be.

Not until now, anyway - Tori Spelling is returning to 90210, which will be great news for the three people who watch 90210, are old enough to remember Tori Spelling and aren’t recovering lobotomy patients.

Like many people, when we heard that a new spin-off of hateful early-1990s teen drama Beverly Hills 90210 - a show about braying arseholes made by braying arseholes for braying arseholes - our first reaction was to fall to the floor clutching our temples in agony.

Once that went away, though, we assumed that 90210 would be the perfect excuse to re-employ some of the stars of the original series. They’ve all dropped off the radar in recent years and would probably work for scraps, plus it’d be a nice lineage to the show’s previous generation.

All the old gang wanted in - Shannon Doherty returned as Brenda Walsh for a few episodes, Jennie Garth returned as Kelly Taylor for a few episodes, Jason Priestley is apparently going to direct an upcoming episode, and who can forget Hillary Swank’s hilarious cameo as the disabled transsexual who chewed through her own tongue to quicken her own death? Happy days. But there was no Tori Spelling.

Sure, Tori Spelling had been approached to star in 90210, but that soon fell apart. Why? Well reports at the time seemed to suggest that Tori Spelling wanted more money than producers were willing to pay, but we think we know the truth - Tori Spelling really wanted to see if 90210 was going to be lousy enough for her standards.

You see, Tori Spelling doing anything good in her life would be a tremendous oversight. What if she agreed to be in 90210 and everyone loved it? That would have really overshadowed her voiceover work on one episode of Biker Mice From Mars and the made for TV movie Mother, May I Sleep With Danger, wouldn’t it?

Luckily, though, enough time has passed for Tori Spelling to see that fewer and fewer people are watching 90210 and that it was axed in Australia after a handful of episodes and that it’s utter dog-piddle from start to finish. So with that in mind, guess what? Tori’s back in! People reports:

Looks like Donna Martin will return to 90210 after all! Tori Spelling is in final negotiations to return to the worlds most famous zip code, a show rep confirms to PEOPLE. The actress, who was set to star in the CWs spin-off when it was announced but then had no plans to join the show for its fall debut is close to finalizing a deal to be in multiple episodes.

OK, so maybe it’s not a completely done deal that Tori Spelling is returning to 90210, but we can guarantee that - even if she doesn’t - Donna Martin will definitely make an appearance. And when we say ‘Donna Martin’ we mean ‘a heat-warped Marilyn Monroe waxwork dummy’. It’s the same thing, really.

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10 - What would 25 of last year’s most mediocre songs sound like if they were smashed into one big song? That’s right - mediocre…

9 - How cocktails got their kerrazy names - Mentalfloss

8 - Men’s Fitness in ‘obvious latent homosexuality’ shock - Mensfitness

7 - Want to make a car than runs on rubbish? OK! - Instructables

6 - New movies that nobody could give a flying tit about - Cinemablend

5 - Paris Hilton talks. In sentences. We know - Popsugar

4 - Visual evidence of why skiing is for dimwits - TSG

3 - All the seasons of 24 in less than 24 words. Impressive - Metromix

2 - Oh Esther, you didn’t need to draw any more attention to them! - Holy Moly

1 - Well, what else are you going to do if you break into a sex store? - News

Yesterday we implied that Mickey Rourke’s comeback would consist of The Wrestler, a rubbish Stallone movie and nothing else.

Turns out we couldn’t have been more wrong. Mickey Rourke is hot property again - and he’s proving it by also starring in Iron Man 2. According to reports, Iron Man director Jon Favreau is keen to have Rourke play the movie’s villain.

It’s bittersweet news, really - Mickey Rourke must be thrilled by the enthusiasm in which he’s been re-embraced by Hollywood, but it’ll be a bitter blow to The Puppet Corpse Of Orson Welles. He really had his eye on that part, you know.

Over the next couple of years or so, there’s a chance you’ll be seeing Mickey Rourke’s face more often than you’ll actually see your own. And, no, for once that won’t be because you’re hounded by a recurring dream that involves you being chased through a cave by a slurring monster whose face appears to be made entire out of flan - it’s because Mickey Rourke is going to be in just about every film made within the next few years.

Thanks to the critical acclaim heaped upon his performance in The Wrestler - aka The Story of Mickey Rourke, In A Wig - everyone wants a piece of Mickey Rourke these days. As we reported yesterday, Mickey has signed up to join the cast of Sylvester Stallone’s The Expendables, but that’s not all.

Just to prove that there’s more to him than movies about former box office giants who bottomed out and spent years in the wilderness before finally gaining reacceptance from their Hollywood peers, Mickey Rourke is apparently close to landing a starring role in Iron Man 2, a film starring Robert Downey Jr - a former box office giant who bottomed out and spent years in the wilderness before… oh tits, he’s done it again hasn’t it?

Anyway according to the Hollywood Reporter:

Marvel has been keeping a very tight lid on the script for the sequel, being written by Justin Theroux, but it is known that Rourke would play a tattooed Russian heavy named Ivan who becomes Whiplash, a man with deadly, technologically enhanced coils.

A Russian heavy with deadly, technologically enhanced coils? We’re not even sure we know what that means. However, we’re fairly certain that if Mickey Rourke takes this Iron Man 2 role, the character description should probably be changed to ‘a crying Russian heavy with deadly, technologically enhanced coils who’s found himself on the outs and is determined to make one last shot at glory in the field of having deadly, technologically enhanced coils. Possibly.

And that’s not all - as well as The Expendables and Iron Man 2, IMDb says that Mickey Rourke has also got upcoming roles in The Informers, Killshot, 13 and Sin City 2. And there’s a rumour he’ll be playing the lead in High School Musical 4. Plus he’ll be playing Samantha in the next Sex And The City movie. Plus if you film anything on your mobile phone between now and Christmas 2010, Mickey Rourke is legally obliged to hang around crying in the background of every shot in a creepy way to ensure that nothing is ever made that he doesn’t appear in.

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Irrational teenage girls, here’s a lesson - you can get anything you want in life with a healthy dose of screaming obnoxiousness.

It certainly worked with Taylor Lautner and New Moon. After being told that he was too much of a scrawny little runt to continue playing werewolf Jacob Black in the Twilight sequel, a wave of berserk quasi-emo outrage from Taylor’s female teenage fanbase has kept him the job.

True, this means that Robert Pattinson will be replaced by a plank of wood with a merkin on its head for New Moon instead, but don’t pretend you’ll notice the difference.

New Moon - or Twilight 2 as we’re almost definitely going to call it forever simply because it annoys you - doesn’t need to do much to become a box office sensation on the scale of Twilight. All it needs is a rubbishy Paramore soundtrack, endless shots of Robert Pattinson sucking in his cheeks like a boy trying to dislodge a wedge of lamb from between his molars and the occasional subliminal flashcard reading things like ‘Never Have Sex’ and ‘Willies Give You Cancer’.

But we’ll be buggered if Summit Entertainment isn’t doing everything to arse it all up. First it sacked the director of Twilight and replaced her with the man who made The Golden Compass into such a mess, and then it let Robert Pattinson cut his hair - an act so disfiguring that he may as well have driven a bus over his own face.

Worst of all, though, Summit thought about giving the heave-ho to Taylor Lautner, the malnourished-looking pipecleaner who played Jacob Black in Twilight. You see, in New Moon Jacob Black rises from bit-player to lead - and a hulking werewolf of a lead at that - and Summit was concerned that it might be a misstep to let Taylor Lautner continue to play the part since a) he has the charisma of a soggy mattress and b) he has the physique of an oven-withered Gareth Gates action figure.

Taylor Lautner was set to be replaced on New Moon with Michael Copon, a man who still has the charisma of damp bedding but at least looks as if he can open doors without breaking into too much of an exhausted flopsweat. That was until the army of wailing, stomping, unstoppably awful 14-year-old ninnies who make up Twilight’s fanbase decided to hold their breath until Taylor Lautner was kept on as Jacob Black in New Moon.

And now, as Reuters reports, it seemed like the plan worked:

“The characters in (author) Stephenie (Meyer)’s books go through extraordinary changes of circumstance and also appearance; so it is not surprising that there has been speculation about whether the same actor would portray a character who changes in so many surprising ways throughout the series,” Weitz wrote in a letter posted on Meyer’s website. “But it was my first instinct that Taylor was, is, and should be Jacob.”

Taylor Lautner has much to be thankful for, then. If it wasn’t for the support of all the Twilight fans, he might go down in history as simply ‘Twilight bit-part player Taylor Lautner’. But now he’s been elevated to a lead in New Moon he can be assured that he’ll grow up to be known as ‘hasbeen former childstar Taylor Lautner’. And hooray for that.

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